Dragon Born Loser

Originally published on GameInformer.com January 10, 2012, at 4:30 PM.
Selected for Blog Herding -- The Best Blogs of the Community, 1/19/12.
9,315 views as of June 4, 2018.

Update 6/4/18: Select screenshots from this pictorial appear at bottom.

My name is Vorhyym Serpensmide, dragonborn. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair! At least try not to laugh. My character continues his clumsy quest through Skyrim for love and loot. (I'll try to avoid spoilers as usual, though the pix will give away visuals.)

Oh, and apologies for the size of this phlog, as I'd made time to play but not to blog so I have way too many screenshots on display. Hopefully they're all worth it.

Uh huh. Like a bad horror movie, I want to shout, "Turn around!" Then again, I go skipping ahead singing tra-la-la. Vorhyym and Illia would make good horror movie victims.

Well this time, at least, the cave turned out to be pretty impressive. It's like the Plaza Hotel of subterranean accommodations! Just needs pest control.

Creepy caves make me want to climb a mountain. Like cats, however, your rides are less adept at descent. I should know, I've killed a few.

Storytime! Gather 'round. Once upon a time a wary warrior hid from a dragon on a mountaintop. The bored dragon flew to the valley below and slew hapless Imperial guards before attacking picnicking trolls nearby. But the mean trolls killed the serpent, depriving the warrior of his trophy. The cheated warrior vanquished two trolls but one got in a drunken brawl with a bear before both killed eachother. True story. The moral? If you shirk responsibility long enough, your problems will take care of themselves.

"When I was your age, we walked uphill, in a snowstorm, carrying over 300 pounds, with barely any stamina to sustain us!" Be grateful your grandparents didn't live in Skyrim.

One of my most important discoveries: moving clouds! Static skies are a pet peeve, so imagine my relief. Ironically, the clouds sometimes move faster than the framerate on my PS3 copy.

This is where I gallantly slew the fearsome dragon in the above story. You know, after I restarted so I could claim victory. There's also a stone sentinel that I avoided, only to find out later you can take their soul gems! If I wasn't hiding I'd probably have figured this out sooner.

This High Elf needs to get off his high horse. And I'm just the Dovahkiin to do it! From a distance, of course. Nevertheless, I think he still killed me once. Those slow moving bolts are not as easy to evade as you might think.

Point taken! Haha.

I could have used this tip when I got stuck in the environment, though I suppose it would be annoying every second I was climbing somewhere I wasn't supposed to go.

Sometimes there's a chill between Illia and Vorhyym. Maybe showing off my full Dwarven regalia while she slums it in mage rags doesn't help.

I might not be the brightest bulb, but at least I can climb stairs! Illia got stuck for a spell (haha, get it?). (OK, taunting probably doesn't help, either.)

Today's lesson: 22 healing potions at 25 points each is how many total points of health? Answer: Not enough.

Guess who didn't read the "Danger: Flammable" warning label? This wasn't my only death. In fact, I've become so preoccupied with inventory management during these fights, I apparently unequipped armor during one embarrassing bout and ended up dead with no clothes on! I have no idea where THAT photo went.

Who needs Lourdes when I can regenerate in this healing pool? Right, Illia? Go get 'em, tiger!

I found a large piece of smithed metal in my inventory. Wonder what happens if I hold it between myself and attackers? Hmm. There's a first time for everything!

Whoa! If you leave, who's going to protect me? She must be steamed about my taking a break in that pool.

This is the mage equivalent of a boxer taking a dive in a prize fight. And I didn't even have any money riding on the outcome.

Speaking of the sweet science, don't the Marquess of Queensberry rules allow for running away? This guy didn't think so, and he's faster then he looks!

Thank goodness Imperials don't arrest for littering; I've left tons of loot everywhere, at least until I finally realized my longtime follower is a pack mule.

Open, sarsaparilla! Open, Saskatchewan! Open, septuagenarian! Open, saddle soap! I sometimes feel like Hasan in Ali Baba Bunny. The solution to these doors was so easy it escaped me LOL.

Vorhyym suddenly feels overdressed.

"Plentiful" is relative. I was laid out like a Duraflame log shortly after this (see the screenshot at top), and on a few other occasions.

Sssssssssmokin!!

Ilia doesn't know it, but she's standing in poison ivy for this picture. Payback's a, well, it's a mage with a nasty rash.

Vorhyym is a real wallflower.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Boo. Boo hoo? You WILL be crying if you don't open this door! I had to exploit a glitch to gain entrance to this swank Dwarven ruin despite wearing the appropriate Dwarven attire.

How considerate of your enemies to carry their souls around in convenient receptacles! Seriously this ruin had the best loot grinding service bar none. Even found a soul gem on my pillow.

Who knew dwarves created steampunk? This ruin's design is indicative of the imaginative settings Bethesda has created.

Put it on my tab. I realized I'd broken this ruin when I had no item to place, no key to leave and, as it turns out, two extra centurions instead of the one I was meant to find.

If you insist! To clear the ruin I had to find the quest's originator (names have been changed to protect the innocent) and return with the necessary items. And voila! Instant access (the entrance doesn't exist if you haven't begun the quest).

It's not the key to the executive washroom, but finally gaining access to the balcony exit was still satisfying.

Apparently self preservation is not a prerequisite for servitude in Skyrim.

Who needs a horse (especially one attracted to flames) when you have Air Jordans?

Awkward! If you want to avoid the embarrassment of having your follower intervene when trying to prove your worth in combat to the Companions, best to order her to stay put.

Ah, a sight for sore eyes! And head, arms, legs, torso ...

I would have thought being known as Death was enough, but apparently not for Mr. Overlord.

I don't know about you, but finding a book after surviving a gauntlet of blood dragon, death overlord and other beasts does not exactly fill me with glee. And in fact this tome is pretty inconsequential, except for having been the most fun read in Skyrim.

These ruins made my jaw drop. And bounce.

If there's one thing I love doing in Skyrim its scaling its heights; it's the coming down that's not so fun.

Now I know why Skyrim feels like a Roach Motel: Roaches check in, but they don't check out! Another barrier on the edge of the map, though this gated one is more believable then an open one I found earlier.

Angi is an interesting character, more so since she rejected my advances. Maybe I should have removed the mask?

If Angi can't have me, then nobody will! Oh, wait! That's not it. Ah well, too late.

Guess who else fell for Angi? HAHA get it?? Fell!? Thank you, I'll be here all week.

You're never too old to play hide and seek with your follower inside environmental glitches. Too smart, maybe, but not too old.

Marco! Oh, yeah, deer don't speak. But they can breathe underwater.

It's easy to get caught up in the marvelous detail of Skyrim; until, that is, your follower has to spoil it. Not so excited to explore after our last encounter, are you, Illia?

When Illia disappeared during our spelunking, I should have known she'd try to leave. Didn't count on that barrier though, did you?

​Glad to be out. I'm speaking for Illia of course.